Doing the work!

Wow y’all, 2023 has started off with a bang! We’re not even finished with January, and I’ve already written a book. A whole book. Ok, well it’s not very long but I finally put down on paper my life story, and I’m very proud of what I’ve accomplished. The whole idea was formed when I started seeing a new therapist and she suggested that I write down some of the traumatic experiences in my life. She thought that by getting the stories out of me, that it would help heal the trauma.

I’m not quite sure if I feel healed yet, but it does feel good to get it out of me. I wrote about my accident, my dad choking at a restaurant and passing away, losing my dog Dot, and the mess I went through with my wound in 2021. There were a lot of tears as I wrote about these experiences, and at times I had to take a break to let the emotions flow through me.

Now I have a feeling of apprehension surrounding the idea of putting my story out for the world to judge. I let it all out, and I exposed all the bad and the good over the years. It’s raw and real, and I don’t suggest children or teens read the book when it comes out. I worry that people are going to judge the decisions I’ve made in my life, and I am also afraid that it won’t sell. Since I’m self-publishing the book, it’s going to cost an arm and a leg, and I want to at least make my money back. The fear of it being a flop and not being received well is very overwhelming.

I thought I would feel elation when I finished writing my manuscript, but now I feel bare and exposed. My therapist said it’s like I just tilled my garden and removed all the weeds, so it’s normal to feel empty. She says I need to start planting seeds of good in my garden to make it flower and bloom. So, I’m doing just that. I recently reapplied to the Adaptive Training Foundation’s Redefine Program – it’s a 9 week program designed to develop me physically, mentally, and spiritually. I also signed up for their event on February 3rd, called the “Sweatiest Hour”. My hope is that by attending the event, it will show how ready I am to be a part of their program, and that I will be one of the ten participants chosen for their next class.

While all of this has been going on, I’ve also been dealing with some health issues. Over the years I have not been prioritizing my health because I’ve just been trying to survive. I’ve been eating terribly, not working out, and I also started vaping a couple years ago. Y’all, please NEVER ever start vaping. It’s the hardest thing to quit, and no one knows the long-term effects of it. Unfortunately, my blood pressure has spiked, and I attribute it to vaping, as well as my poor diet and lack of exercise. But I think if I were to quit vaping, my BP would go down significantly.

I recently went to see my husband’s cardiologist, because I want to make sure I haven’t done any damage to my heart. He told me all the things I already know; stop vaping, eat well, and exercise. It sounds so easy, doesn’t it? Well, it isn’t. You would think that the threat of a heart attack would be enough to get me to put the vape down. Nope.

The cardiologist gave me a heart monitor that I have to wear for two weeks. I’ve also got a CT scan scheduled to check for calcium deposits (I think) on my heart. And next time I go in, they will do an ultrasound. My EKG and my heart rate were both normal when I went in to see him, but we’re doing all of this testing to rule out any heart issues that could be causing my high BP. I have a lot of anxiety about what might be found, but I’m saying my affirmations anytime I have a scary thought about my health – “I’m healthy” and “I’m healed”. My affirmations do help calm me down, and I just keep telling myself that if they find anything, I will get through it. I’ve made it this far, surely I can handle anything else thrown my way.

My therapist told me to take one thing at a time, and focus on that one thing before tackling all of the other problems. We decided to start with exercising first, because it releases endorphins, and will help with my mental health. The thought is that through exercising, I will eventually have the desire to eat better and quit vaping. So, I contacted my old trainer at my gym and we set up an appointment for this morning.

I also visited my general practitioner yesterday, and she put me on Contrave, a weight loss drug that contains Wellbutrin, which will help with the cravings for food and the vape. At my appointment I met with a nutritionist, and she advised me to start following the Mediterranean Diet. She told me to ease into the diet, and not go cold turkey, and to slowly cut out the processed foods in my diet. I plan to start eating better this coming Monday, and I’m not excited about it. Oh, and the cardiologist told me to give up the pickles! What?! I LOVE pickles, particularly Best Maid sour pickles. They’re my go to when I’m feeling a bit queasy or when I’m craving something salty. I’ll cut down on the pickles, but they aren’t leaving my diet for good.

I wanted to be honest with you about what I’m dealing with and I’m sure many of you will be disappointed about the vaping. I’m embarrassed by it, and I want to quit so bad, but I’m unfortunately addicted to it. If you or someone you know has ever kicked the habit, reach out and let me know how they did it. If you pray or send good vibes out to the universe, please send some my way as I navigate my health journey.

The next step in the book process is to get a developmental edit on my manuscript. This will point out holes in my story and help make it flow better. The whole publishing process is long and is going to take a lot of work and time. I had this stupid idea that when I finished the book, the hard part was done. Another big NOPE. The hard part is just beginning.

After finishing the book, I realized I wanted to keep writing as an outlet for everything I’m dealing with. I remembered I had started this blog six years ago and thought this would be a great place to share my thoughts and feelings. I hope you will follow along with my book and health journey. I will be sharing all of my triumphs and struggles in this space. I’m glad you’re here and I pray that you enjoy reading about my life. Until next time…